Sunday, July 17, 2016

Love-Hate Relationship

Dah la sangat tak tulis blog ni. Aku pun x ingat dah macam mana haha. Ok abaikan.

Sekarang aku di posting ketiga : Medical.
Yes. I already completed Orthopaedic and O&G.
And sekarang pun dah nak habis dah medical, by right in August ni dah masuk department baru.

Dulu waktu mula-mula masuk kerja, I kept on thinking to quit my job. I could not stand the scoldings, humiliations and etc.

Tapi, hari tu my Mo said, jadi doktor ni antara kerja yg tak susah mana. Cuma responsible je tinggi sikit.

Aku x paham, seriously x susah??

My boss cakap lagi,

Yes, kerja mainly on clerking, ordering meds, blood taking. Paling susah pun kalau ada procedure long line ke apa. Entah la. Somehow aku x setuju. Kerja nampak senang, but aku kena gi awal balik lewat. Haha...

Tapi lama-lama bila aku dah lama kerja. Aku fikir balik. Kerja aku ni xde la horror sangat.

Kena marah... Biasalah tu. kerja mana-mana pun kena marah.
Kena buli- Lol its normal. Kalau kau junior kat mana-mana ofis ke sekolah ke still kena buli.
Tak cukup masa - macam overrated. Tak ada lah aku sampai kebulur pun. Tapi x cukup tido tu somehow yes. haha

Ok la sebenarnya aku nak cakap, i think I start to accept my job seadanya. lol x.


Friday, December 11, 2015

2nd posting

okay sekarang ni aku dh ada kt 2n posting, iaitu o&G. actually dah sebulan lebih da aku kt sini.
tapi aku just nk inform je. kbye,

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Still First Posting

To those yg mengikuti blog aku jarang-jarang terupdate ni, thank you for masih setia. Ada lagi tak yang masih setia? Haha... blog aku jarang update tp status facebook hari-hari aku update.

Okay aku nak bagitau yang aku hari tu kena extend kat ortho dua bulan. Aku rasa lama gila 2 bulan tu. But now sekarang aku bakal melangkah jauh bayi nespray ke next posting. Aku rasa kejap la pulak 2 bulan tu tak perasan pun.

Honestly I learned many things sepanjang 5 bulan lebih ni. And most of people I know they advised me to do my own business yg boleh buat aku dpt side income. And they asked me to pick something I like to do.

Okay I like to:

1) singing and create songs. I know my voice sucks tp aku memg suka cipta lagu2 yang bergenre motivasi. And I hope one fine day i can create songs and ask other people with good voice to sing my song.

2) bake cookies
ok sila gelak sekarang. I know I am a man but i love to bake cookies. I even decided to have my own hipster coffee shop yg orang boleh dtg and enjoy and could release their stress.

3) I really would like to learn languages and berminat nak jadi translator subtitle movie-movie atau cerita-cerita kat tv to. The languages that i love to learn most are arabic, korean, thai and spanish.
Currently aku nak belajar thai sebab aku suka horror2 movies diorang. And sometimes aku stress kalau ada some part tu xde subtitle.

Ok sori my posts lately too mengarut. Kalau korg dh xnak follow pun tkpe. Tapi aku nk cakap satu benda je, please stay positive and don't be too stress like I do. Ok bye~

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

physically manifested

i've been working as a houseman for 3 months (but still dont have my assessment yet. lol). and I still cant tolerate the stress. when i expressed it on facebook, i got criticized for being spoiled, weak and unable to adapt the environment.

last week, after reviewing my patients, I stood there in front of the their beds; waiting for specialist to do round.
The specialist on that day is well known for his fussy-ness, easily get irritated and will always find your mistake. And he scolds housemen a lot.

while waiting for him, I was so nervous until my chest hurt. I had a 6/10 pain score chest pain, and I was unable to breathe well and I was gasping for air. I put my hand on my chest, did the massaging so that the pain relieved. Then I squatted down , sitting there quietly.

Realizing I was in that uncomfortable condition, my patient asked me whether i was okay or not. I could hardly breathing, and I can't answer his question. I just stared at him with a bitter smile on my face.

then my collegue who was incharged in acute cubicle as I was, noticed what was happened. He then brought me to ho room and asked me to take rest for a while. Then during round started, as I expected, I was asked multiple question about the patient as if I was with the patient since birth. And I was scolded for not knowing every single details of the patient. But at that time, my head was empty and I just dont care and dont give an F anymore. Just scold and shout to me to the top of your lungs, I just dont care.

the specialist just know to scold, but they dont know how long i flipped over the old bht to find who started this antibiotic and what happened in the ot which I was not there. and they dont know how suffocating the anxiety,chest pain and sob I experienced before waiting for him to do round.

I had the chest pain and sob due to anxiety more than 3 times. And i am quite sure that I will experience it again after this. and I am expecting I will getting heart attack before 30.

honestly, I was so tired of being a doctor. It's not about can adapt or not, but it's about the scolding envionment. And i think medicine is just not for me, I cant work under pressure created by my superiors.

sometimes I was needed in two places at the same time eg:a&e and clinic /ward or clinic, and either way I will be scolded for not attending the another. I was scolded for mistake I didn't do. I just saw the patient once, but was scolded for not doing the job which supposely done by previous doctors reviewing the patient.

People say that I am not being grateful for having a job while other people is dying for my position. and people keep on asking me to be patient and keep strong without experiencing themselves what did i went through everyday. Say whatever u want, coz u dont have right to judge me and u dont know how miserable I feel everyday. I keep on receiving phone call from hospital even if i am on leave.

honestly, I started to lose my sincerety of being a doctor, and I started to treat patient with my heart empty. I need a better job ; a job that i like, I job that I enjoy to do, a job that wont be scolded severely for the mistakes that aren't mine and a job that doesnt give me anxious chest pain. i dont know what to do and i dont have back up plan.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

During my time....

honestly, being a houseman, the most tiring frequent phrase mentioned by our superiors are "during my time...."

kalau kita tak ingat case and tak ingat disease patient, nanti dorang akan cakap "during my time kan, aku jaga satu ward ak bole ingat patient. ni kau jaga sikit je tak kan tak ingat?"

the problem is... did during your first posting you already remember the whole ward? ke time last posting? and then kalau ada mistake ke apa diorg akan cakap, " during my time, aku dah bole handle patient boleh diagnose bole buat kerja. ni kau ni lembap".

and then ada my friend yg habis kerja kul 5, tp was asked to stay until 9. Then alasan specialist, " come on la you chose this career so u should stay 24 hours. during my time i tidur kat hospital bla bla bla". padahal dia dh passover kerja tu to the next person. honestly i didnt choose this career but i end up being here stuck with annoying fussy superiors.

I once post call at 1 pm in the afternoon. it was so tired so i returned directly after that without going to class held on every week. then they askedmy why did i absent. so aku cakap la aku post call. then dia cakap, " so, post call can be use as excuse to not coming to class? during my time I oncall 3 days straight but still able go to class."

honestly penat kalau argue cakap melawan pulak. lantak la kau nk cakap aku houseman yg xde quality ke apa ke tapi aku memang penat oncall pastu dia suruh gi kelas. klau aku gi kelas pun tertido jugak x dpt tumpu perhatian.

honestly most of the superiors are muslims but they dont behave like muslim. suka marah2, jatuhkan air muka orang publicly, dan caci maki orang. honestly bukan semua orang bole di-train dengan marah-marah. some of us are quite rebellious and makin dimarah makin menjadi-jadi. so some of us kena ada soft approach. aku mengaku ada yg jenis naik kepala kalau jd baik. tp kalau orang mcm aku, kalau orang marah2 memang apa yg dia ckp tu x masuk kepala. instead orang yg ckp elok2 tu aku akan ingat apa dia ajar sebab aku rasa x sampai hati nak buat dia kecewa dgn aku so aku akan lebih semangat nak study.

tapi kalau jenis marah2 aku malas sikit aku smpai jadi "kau nak marah, marah la. aku buat apa pun kau marah." and i end up x improve myself.

kesimpulan, i dont hate my job. but i hate some of my annoying fussy superiors. bye.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

tired of all this $h!t

Kena marah.
Dimalukan di khalayak ramai.

Dibodoh dan dikepalahotakkan
Dipukul kadang-kadang
Disindir sinis

Kena siapkan banyak order serentak in limited time
Like we have thousand hands
Living in fear everytime patients' vital signs are not stable

Living far from family
No one to talk or tell my problem to here
Yesterday I dont buka puasa until 8 pm.
My meal and sleeping time is berterabur
Not enough sleep
No time to read books for the assessment

Want to meet psy for a long leave so that i can calm myself down
But its not a wise decision as long as people will talk behind your back and you will be known as crazy person.

Want to quit but no back up plan
Want to proceed being a doctor but no strength left
Want to die but suicide is a big sin and I will be sent to hell directly
Dont know what to do
Dont know what should i do

Once i returned home at 2 am and have to go to work back at 6.
I'm tired
Tired of all this shit
I dont mind the big salary
I just want a better life
If i know life will be like this, I wont study so hard at school so that I wont be qualified to take medicine

If i know life will be like this,
I will never think of medicine as my career.
Tired of all this shit
Sorry for the inappropriate word.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

need back up plan hahaha

"Khairi kau dah sebulan lebih kat sini takkan lah slow lagi?"

Haha itu common aku dengar. Aku memang slow and lambat pickup. And my specialist cakap " if u choose to be a doctor, u have to sacrify everything". Masalahnya bukan aku yg choose. Tiba2 fated kat sini tak kan nak blame fate 

Hari tu aku cakap aku x jd nak berenti sebab abah aku suka jd doktor. Tapi aku kena la jugak fikir back up plan in case aku rasa tak tahan and aku send surat resign on the spot haha.

Honestly aku memang lembap and bodoh and aku tak rasa profesion ni untuk aku. Aku clerk and review patient took about 20 minutes, masuk branula cbd pun lama kemain. Honestly aku dah penat la wei bukan aku sengaja nak lembap.

Esok aku kat emergency , tempat yang aku paling x suka sebab tempat tu aku kena buat semua benda yg aku x suka : clerk patient and branula. Boleh tak aku nak MIA esok haha?