Saturday, May 7, 2011

If My Mother Is Still Alive~

I logged into my facebook account and saw many friends of mine wished Happy Mothers' Day to their mother. I felt a little bit jealous. I still remember the day when my mother left me. She left me forever when I was seven, when I was still young and still need her to raise me up.

On the day that my mother was gone, I was too young until I just felt nothing & even confused why my other family members were crying and being sad. For me, I thought that my mother just taking a sleep; without knowing that she will take a very very long, deep sleep and never open her eyes again.

She died from having hypertension (high blood pressure). I was still remember that she ate too much salty food at the kenduri. When she returned home, she said that she got an extreme headache, and after that she fainted. When she was fainted, my sisters can't stop crying and my father kept on splashing water on my mother's face to wake her up. How about me? I just sat on my uncle's lap and was not allowed to get my unconscious mother. Then she was sent to hospital.

At night, and I really forgot what time it was, my oldest sister who was still crying answered a phone call from my father. I was sure that she is hoping good news from the hospital. After receiving call from my father, she cried loudly (louder than before) and almost shouting. Mak Cik Siti, my neighbor asked her why. Then, my sister said that, my mother is gone. After that, I could see everyone in my house, including Mak Cik Siti crying and sobbing. And I was still in blur not knowing what was exactly happened.

At the midnight, my mother's body was sent home. And I still remembered that I jumped happily and shouted "Yeay, mak dah balik!" without realizing that it was only my dead mother's body was sent home, not her soul. I could see my sisters cried louder when they saw I was happy seeing my mother was home. My mother was buried on the next day. Everyone kissed her before they closed her face with the kain kafan except me. They asked me to do so but I refused coz I was shy to kiss her in front of others. I can't kiss her with all eyes watching me! But, if I knew that my mother will leave me, I will kiss her and give my hug for her.

I followed them to the cemetery and seriously, I wondered why they buried my mother in the ground. I thought that my mother was playing a game; hide and seek perhaps, so I just ignored it. Guess what? I also cried there, but not because my mother was gone. But I cried because I can't stand to see my other family members were not stop crying from the last night and they even did not took any sleep. I felt pity on them till made me to started crying.

At the night, when villagers came to my house to recite the tahlil, I kept on searching for my mother. I kept on calling her name again and again. I searched all the house, every rooms, toilet, bathroom. I kept on "lalu-lalang" in front of the people that were reciting the tahlil to look for my mother but I can not find her. When I asked my sisters where my mother is, they did not answer me and just started crying.

Tired of searching, I sat on my uncle's lap. I could see my father was crying when he saw me searching for my mother. When I tried to reach my father, my uncle hugged me tight and I can not escape. My uncle said that my father is sad and should not be disturbed. On that night, when the villagers returned to their home, before everybody getting to sleep, I searched my mother for once again. Then, my father hugged me and said,

"Adik, mak dah tak ada. Dah tak ada buat selama-lamanya. Adik tak payah la cari mak lagi. Abah kan ada"

I just could not understand. Cos he said, "mak dah tak ada". For me, if she is "tak ada", it means that she went to somewhere and will returned home soon.

Then, my sister who can not stand to see me searching for my late mother, she scolded me severely!

"Ko ni tak paham ke? Mak dah tak de! Mak dah MATI!"

When I heard the word MATI, I just got the meaning. At that time, I just knew what exactly happened, I knew why my family members cried and I knew everything that I should know earlier. When I asked everyone, they just said my mother is gone. But, they didn't said that my mother is dead. But my sister, 5 years older than me, she did. She told me my mother was dead, not was gone as everybody else did.

Then, tears started streaming down my cheeks and I start shouting and calling for my mother. I begged my father to bring my mother home and I even insisted to go to the cemetery. If I would know that my mother is dead earlier, I will cry as everybody did, I will be sad as everybody did, I will kiss her for the last time as everybody did. And until now, I am still regret for not kissing her.

And now, my mother was gone for 14 years. Although I have a new mother (stepmother), and no doubt she is very kind. She is not like the other bad stepmother in the fairy tales. But what can I say is...step mother, although how much kind she is, will not replace my mother in heart. There is no one can replace my mother.

If my mother was still alive, I wish I can tell her,

Happy Mothers' Day~

Al-Fatihah! Fatimah binti Salleh. Still remember the date she was gone. February 15, 1997.

p/s : Of course I can't remember all what happened by myself as I was to young at that time. But, when I growing up, my father and sisters told me back on what happened. They tell me the story back so that I won't forget my mother. My father and sisters told me on what did I do when my mother was gone. That's why I know although I could not remember. But, I can imagine how. So, be grateful of having nice mother. :)


Anis Amirah Nawawi said...

walau jauh dari mata, sentiasa dekat di hati. jangan pernah putus doa ! :)


Zawani said...

sebak bace entry ni..=/
moge arwah dtempatkan diklgan org yg beriman..