i've been working as a houseman for 3 months (but still dont have my assessment yet. lol). and I still cant tolerate the stress. when i expressed it on facebook, i got criticized for being spoiled, weak and unable to adapt the environment.
last week, after reviewing my patients, I stood there in front of the their beds; waiting for specialist to do round.
The specialist on that day is well known for his fussy-ness, easily get irritated and will always find your mistake. And he scolds housemen a lot.
while waiting for him, I was so nervous until my chest hurt. I had a 6/10 pain score chest pain, and I was unable to breathe well and I was gasping for air. I put my hand on my chest, did the massaging so that the pain relieved. Then I squatted down , sitting there quietly.
Realizing I was in that uncomfortable condition, my patient asked me whether i was okay or not. I could hardly breathing, and I can't answer his question. I just stared at him with a bitter smile on my face.
then my collegue who was incharged in acute cubicle as I was, noticed what was happened. He then brought me to ho room and asked me to take rest for a while. Then during round started, as I expected, I was asked multiple question about the patient as if I was with the patient since birth. And I was scolded for not knowing every single details of the patient. But at that time, my head was empty and I just dont care and dont give an F anymore. Just scold and shout to me to the top of your lungs, I just dont care.
the specialist just know to scold, but they dont know how long i flipped over the old bht to find who started this antibiotic and what happened in the ot which I was not there. and they dont know how suffocating the anxiety,chest pain and sob I experienced before waiting for him to do round.
I had the chest pain and sob due to anxiety more than 3 times. And i am quite sure that I will experience it again after this. and I am expecting I will getting heart attack before 30.
honestly, I was so tired of being a doctor. It's not about can adapt or not, but it's about the scolding envionment. And i think medicine is just not for me, I cant work under pressure created by my superiors.
sometimes I was needed in two places at the same time eg:a&e and clinic /ward or clinic, and either way I will be scolded for not attending the another. I was scolded for mistake I didn't do. I just saw the patient once, but was scolded for not doing the job which supposely done by previous doctors reviewing the patient.
People say that I am not being grateful for having a job while other people is dying for my position. and people keep on asking me to be patient and keep strong without experiencing themselves what did i went through everyday. Say whatever u want, coz u dont have right to judge me and u dont know how miserable I feel everyday. I keep on receiving phone call from hospital even if i am on leave.
honestly, I started to lose my sincerety of being a doctor, and I started to treat patient with my heart empty. I need a better job ; a job that i like, I job that I enjoy to do, a job that wont be scolded severely for the mistakes that aren't mine and a job that doesnt give me anxious chest pain. i dont know what to do and i dont have back up plan.