Tuesday, July 21, 2015

physically manifested

i've been working as a houseman for 3 months (but still dont have my assessment yet. lol). and I still cant tolerate the stress. when i expressed it on facebook, i got criticized for being spoiled, weak and unable to adapt the environment.

last week, after reviewing my patients, I stood there in front of the their beds; waiting for specialist to do round.
The specialist on that day is well known for his fussy-ness, easily get irritated and will always find your mistake. And he scolds housemen a lot.

while waiting for him, I was so nervous until my chest hurt. I had a 6/10 pain score chest pain, and I was unable to breathe well and I was gasping for air. I put my hand on my chest, did the massaging so that the pain relieved. Then I squatted down , sitting there quietly.

Realizing I was in that uncomfortable condition, my patient asked me whether i was okay or not. I could hardly breathing, and I can't answer his question. I just stared at him with a bitter smile on my face.

then my collegue who was incharged in acute cubicle as I was, noticed what was happened. He then brought me to ho room and asked me to take rest for a while. Then during round started, as I expected, I was asked multiple question about the patient as if I was with the patient since birth. And I was scolded for not knowing every single details of the patient. But at that time, my head was empty and I just dont care and dont give an F anymore. Just scold and shout to me to the top of your lungs, I just dont care.

the specialist just know to scold, but they dont know how long i flipped over the old bht to find who started this antibiotic and what happened in the ot which I was not there. and they dont know how suffocating the anxiety,chest pain and sob I experienced before waiting for him to do round.

I had the chest pain and sob due to anxiety more than 3 times. And i am quite sure that I will experience it again after this. and I am expecting I will getting heart attack before 30.

honestly, I was so tired of being a doctor. It's not about can adapt or not, but it's about the scolding envionment. And i think medicine is just not for me, I cant work under pressure created by my superiors.

sometimes I was needed in two places at the same time eg:a&e and clinic /ward or clinic, and either way I will be scolded for not attending the another. I was scolded for mistake I didn't do. I just saw the patient once, but was scolded for not doing the job which supposely done by previous doctors reviewing the patient.

People say that I am not being grateful for having a job while other people is dying for my position. and people keep on asking me to be patient and keep strong without experiencing themselves what did i went through everyday. Say whatever u want, coz u dont have right to judge me and u dont know how miserable I feel everyday. I keep on receiving phone call from hospital even if i am on leave.

honestly, I started to lose my sincerety of being a doctor, and I started to treat patient with my heart empty. I need a better job ; a job that i like, I job that I enjoy to do, a job that wont be scolded severely for the mistakes that aren't mine and a job that doesnt give me anxious chest pain. i dont know what to do and i dont have back up plan.


Anonymous said...

Hello there,

I accidentally found your blog while I was browsing tips to survive housemenship :)

I know it's crazy hard when you daily get criticized by your bosses, sometimes for things we are not responsible for. Some of them already lost their roots and drown with egos.

But maybe you can make yourself feel better by thinking : I'm doing my job becoz od Allah. Im treating patients becoz of Allah.

People will let us down. But He wont. Everything that happens, must be a reason behind it. Always believe in Him. As He says : working is also a type of ibadah.

I know this advice wont make your life any better, but maybe you'll smile for 5s reading this , at least :)

p/s : I was a medical student battling severe depression secondary to OCPD and OCD, on Prozac. Today, Im working as a HO too, and still taking prozac.

syahmina husna said...

Have you done your ho?