Wednesday, June 24, 2015

tired of all this $h!t

Tired.
Kena marah.
Dimalukan di khalayak ramai.
Dipersalahkan

Dibodoh dan dikepalahotakkan
Dipukul kadang-kadang
Disindir sinis

Kena siapkan banyak order serentak in limited time
Like we have thousand hands
Living in fear everytime patients' vital signs are not stable

Living far from family
No one to talk or tell my problem to here
Yesterday I dont buka puasa until 8 pm.
My meal and sleeping time is berterabur
Not enough sleep
No time to read books for the assessment

Want to meet psy for a long leave so that i can calm myself down
But its not a wise decision as long as people will talk behind your back and you will be known as crazy person.

Want to quit but no back up plan
Want to proceed being a doctor but no strength left
Want to die but suicide is a big sin and I will be sent to hell directly
Dont know what to do
Dont know what should i do

Once i returned home at 2 am and have to go to work back at 6.
I'm tired
Tired of all this shit
I dont mind the big salary
I just want a better life
If i know life will be like this, I wont study so hard at school so that I wont be qualified to take medicine

If i know life will be like this,
I will never think of medicine as my career.
Tired of all this shit
Sorry for the inappropriate word.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

need back up plan hahaha

"Khairi kau dah sebulan lebih kat sini takkan lah slow lagi?"

Haha itu common aku dengar. Aku memang slow and lambat pickup. And my specialist cakap " if u choose to be a doctor, u have to sacrify everything". Masalahnya bukan aku yg choose. Tiba2 fated kat sini tak kan nak blame fate 

Hari tu aku cakap aku x jd nak berenti sebab abah aku suka jd doktor. Tapi aku kena la jugak fikir back up plan in case aku rasa tak tahan and aku send surat resign on the spot haha.

Honestly aku memang lembap and bodoh and aku tak rasa profesion ni untuk aku. Aku clerk and review patient took about 20 minutes, masuk branula cbd pun lama kemain. Honestly aku dah penat la wei bukan aku sengaja nak lembap.

Esok aku kat emergency , tempat yang aku paling x suka sebab tempat tu aku kena buat semua benda yg aku x suka : clerk patient and branula. Boleh tak aku nak MIA esok haha?

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Tak Mampu, Nak Quit

Honestly aku dah penat dah. Aku tau mesti orang akan cakap , "rilek lah kau baru sebulan kerja memang tak boleh adapt lagi". So u think I can adapt to resist all the scoldings and public humiliation in two months? Honestly aku tak larat. Hari-hari kena marah padahal kita struggle so hard. Siap balik lewat demi nak siapkan kerja tapi bila tak ingat satu blood investigation result, kena maki tu macam aku berzina je.

SHARE PROBLEM
Bila kita luah kat orang, the only words came from their mouth is "sabar lah pasti ada hikmah bla bla bla.". Lol. klise. I repeat...Cliche! And geng ustaz-ustazah pulak keluarkan hadis-hadis and potongan ayat quran tentang sabar and tajdid niat lah apa. And will get rewards lah apa. Yes i knowww... sebab aku masih ingat Allah la aku still hidup sampai sekarang and tak lagi sampai tahap nak potong radial artery or terjun bangunan hospital dari tingkat 5.

Honestly dlm quran pun ada sebut yg Allah xkan ubah nasib umat dia melainkan umat tu mengubah nasibnya sendiri, which means may be Dia nak aku  ubah nasib aku dari jadi doktor dengan jadi benda lain. Wallahualam la kan.

SABAR??
And ada yg suruh aku sabar and buat pekak la apa lah. The biggest problem is hati aku ni hati tisu bukan hati batu. Ada yang cakap, ingat pasal gaji. Honestly aku sampai tahap fikir biarlah gaji aku 1000 je pun sebulan asalkan aku dapat tidur yg cukup and tak kena marah macam diri ni hina sangat.

LOOKING FOR NEW JOB
Dan aku sekarang macam nak jadi cikgu dan nak ambil kursus perguruan lepasan ijazah (kpli) which is dah tak dibuka sekarang sebab due to lambakan guru kat malaysia. Honestly menyesal x jadi cikgu. Dulu aku amik medik ni pun sebab aku dengar belajar "luar negara". So without thinking of my future, I just accept the offer and fly abroad.

NOT TREATED EQUALLY
Bayangkan lah we do most of the work, and ada senior2 yg passover the work to us and then they abscon ntah ke mana. But bila presentation, i did bad and get scolded infront of everyone while our senior yg passover pun tu get praised for the good presentation. And sometimes diorg rapat dengan mo/specialist and pandai hide diorg punya mistake.


Kadang2 masa kerja dah lama habis. I should punch card out at 10 pm but still staying in hospital accompanying my collegues yg still banyak kerja. But when we asked help from orang lain dorg cakap "oh sori masa kerja aku dah habis".too much selfihness in this environment. Dulu my sister cakap , " doktor kan pandai2 masuk universiti semuanya jadi mesti perangai pun baik". Lol. Padahal semua jenis suka marah-marah orang depan pu‘blic without caring about air muka and maruah orang.

WANT TO QUIT
Honenstly i really want to quit sebab being in hospital pun cuma menambah masalah kat orang lain, and my absence sangat menyenangkan orang lain. But what choices do I have and what back up plans left? None! I came from poor family and if i quit, I will have financial problem. Tapi to stay and sacrify myself demi other people happiness: sacrify by facing all the scoldings and public humiliations tu rasa macam x worth it.

Orang cakap " best la keja doktor gaji mahal." Honestly bila thinking of apa yg kita kena plus the workload, not enough sleep, scoldings, and tak cukup makan, I think housemen should earn more than that.

VICIOUS CYCLE
Ada yg cakap, mo yang garang-garang suka marah orang tu sebab they pun struggle so hard and kena benda yg sama time diorg ho dulu, thats why they become harsh towards new ho to balas balik la dendam kesumat tu kononnya. But the problem is diorg kena dari orang lain tapi balas dendam kat orang lain. And they should cut/end the vicious cycle and kena faham lah mcm mana diorg survive during first posting ho dulu.

PSYCHIATRY
And i was about to refer myself to psy. So that I can have a month off and boleh re-evaluate myself and come back to work dengan semangat. Tapi orang cakap, once u refer psy ur record will be bad. And kalau transfer hospital pun nanti orang akan cakap-cakap belakang. And kalau quit and minta kerja lain pun xlepas sebab orang akan fikir kita ni pernah kena refer doktor mental.

TRANSFER HOSPITAL
And i was thinkin to transfer myself to hospital yg lebih dekat dengan my famili sebab during this stressful ho life i really need to be close to my famili. Furthermore my father ada IHD and slalu sakit-sakit. But i was told that bukan senang nak transfer hospital and kalau nak transfer pun kena ada strong reason and kena wait for a year at least.
Honestly i dont mind to restart my 1st posting at the new hospital asalkan hosp tu dekat dengan rumah and i can go home setiap kali stress habis kerja. Tapi when i rethink back, hospital mana-mana pun sama je. I cant expect the new hospital yg dekat dgn umah tu like a bed of roses ntah-ntah lagi teruk dari current hospital i'm training in.

HIT ROCK BOTTOM
And right now I dont know what to do. Nak quit, xde back up plan.
Nak stay, rasa tak sanggup.
And everyday I go to work with rasa terpaksa, palpitations everytime I wake up from sleep, tachycardic everytime I'm on the way to hospital, and my heart fibrillates everytime i walk into ward.

Dulu I always take care of my body of my health. Always keep my clothes ironed, my facial hair shaved, wash my face and take good care of my look. But right now I just change my white coat once a week, I let my facial hair unshaved and messy as hell, not combing my hair and pimples and acne appeared on my face all over the place.

Honestly I hope one day I will find a bright light of this long, dark, torturous and depressing tunnel. :-(

EPILOG
Khairi, I dont know how did u graduate. Did you buy your certificate?