Tuesday, July 21, 2015

physically manifested

i've been working as a houseman for 3 months (but still dont have my assessment yet. lol). and I still cant tolerate the stress. when i expressed it on facebook, i got criticized for being spoiled, weak and unable to adapt the environment.

last week, after reviewing my patients, I stood there in front of the their beds; waiting for specialist to do round.
The specialist on that day is well known for his fussy-ness, easily get irritated and will always find your mistake. And he scolds housemen a lot.

while waiting for him, I was so nervous until my chest hurt. I had a 6/10 pain score chest pain, and I was unable to breathe well and I was gasping for air. I put my hand on my chest, did the massaging so that the pain relieved. Then I squatted down , sitting there quietly.

Realizing I was in that uncomfortable condition, my patient asked me whether i was okay or not. I could hardly breathing, and I can't answer his question. I just stared at him with a bitter smile on my face.

then my collegue who was incharged in acute cubicle as I was, noticed what was happened. He then brought me to ho room and asked me to take rest for a while. Then during round started, as I expected, I was asked multiple question about the patient as if I was with the patient since birth. And I was scolded for not knowing every single details of the patient. But at that time, my head was empty and I just dont care and dont give an F anymore. Just scold and shout to me to the top of your lungs, I just dont care.

the specialist just know to scold, but they dont know how long i flipped over the old bht to find who started this antibiotic and what happened in the ot which I was not there. and they dont know how suffocating the anxiety,chest pain and sob I experienced before waiting for him to do round.

I had the chest pain and sob due to anxiety more than 3 times. And i am quite sure that I will experience it again after this. and I am expecting I will getting heart attack before 30.

honestly, I was so tired of being a doctor. It's not about can adapt or not, but it's about the scolding envionment. And i think medicine is just not for me, I cant work under pressure created by my superiors.

sometimes I was needed in two places at the same time eg:a&e and clinic /ward or clinic, and either way I will be scolded for not attending the another. I was scolded for mistake I didn't do. I just saw the patient once, but was scolded for not doing the job which supposely done by previous doctors reviewing the patient.

People say that I am not being grateful for having a job while other people is dying for my position. and people keep on asking me to be patient and keep strong without experiencing themselves what did i went through everyday. Say whatever u want, coz u dont have right to judge me and u dont know how miserable I feel everyday. I keep on receiving phone call from hospital even if i am on leave.

honestly, I started to lose my sincerety of being a doctor, and I started to treat patient with my heart empty. I need a better job ; a job that i like, I job that I enjoy to do, a job that wont be scolded severely for the mistakes that aren't mine and a job that doesnt give me anxious chest pain. i dont know what to do and i dont have back up plan.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

During my time....

honestly, being a houseman, the most tiring frequent phrase mentioned by our superiors are "during my time...."

kalau kita tak ingat case and tak ingat disease patient, nanti dorang akan cakap "during my time kan, aku jaga satu ward ak bole ingat patient. ni kau jaga sikit je tak kan tak ingat?"

the problem is... did during your first posting you already remember the whole ward? ke time last posting? and then kalau ada mistake ke apa diorg akan cakap, " during my time, aku dah bole handle patient boleh diagnose bole buat kerja. ni kau ni lembap".

and then ada my friend yg habis kerja kul 5, tp was asked to stay until 9. Then alasan specialist, " come on la you chose this career so u should stay 24 hours. during my time i tidur kat hospital bla bla bla". padahal dia dh passover kerja tu to the next person. honestly i didnt choose this career but i end up being here stuck with annoying fussy superiors.

I once post call at 1 pm in the afternoon. it was so tired so i returned directly after that without going to class held on every week. then they askedmy why did i absent. so aku cakap la aku post call. then dia cakap, " so, post call can be use as excuse to not coming to class? during my time I oncall 3 days straight but still able go to class."

honestly penat kalau argue cakap melawan pulak. lantak la kau nk cakap aku houseman yg xde quality ke apa ke tapi aku memang penat oncall pastu dia suruh gi kelas. klau aku gi kelas pun tertido jugak x dpt tumpu perhatian.

honestly most of the superiors are muslims but they dont behave like muslim. suka marah2, jatuhkan air muka orang publicly, dan caci maki orang. honestly bukan semua orang bole di-train dengan marah-marah. some of us are quite rebellious and makin dimarah makin menjadi-jadi. so some of us kena ada soft approach. aku mengaku ada yg jenis naik kepala kalau jd baik. tp kalau orang mcm aku, kalau orang marah2 memang apa yg dia ckp tu x masuk kepala. instead orang yg ckp elok2 tu aku akan ingat apa dia ajar sebab aku rasa x sampai hati nak buat dia kecewa dgn aku so aku akan lebih semangat nak study.

tapi kalau jenis marah2 aku malas sikit aku smpai jadi "kau nak marah, marah la. aku buat apa pun kau marah." and i end up x improve myself.

kesimpulan, i dont hate my job. but i hate some of my annoying fussy superiors. bye.